Every day we see children exploring what it means to be a friend – what a difficult concept. Does it mean having one friend exclusively? Does it mean that when you play with someone else I have lost you as a friend? Does it mean that we are simply playing in the same vicinity? Is it really fair to say “We are all friends in Studio Blue?” when we all seem to have different definitions of what friendship is? In the fall, we described the children’s process of getting from me to we, needing to establish the ME – a place or “spot” in the group in order to get to WE (click for link).

While this can still be true, as children try out friendships, they become intent on protecting their relationship, instead of protecting ME. We hear things like: “You can’t play this game,” and “He belongs to me!” Children put up gates and lock doors in their play – a locked gate creates a sense of safety or control over any new threat that may approach. Another child who may simply want to join in play can be quite threatening to young children, as they fear they could lose this playmate or that their enjoyable play will be disrupted. While this can appear mean or hurtful in the moment, the intent is more defensive rather than aggressive, and it is an important and unavoidable part of the process as they figure out how to be friends. And once a child has maintained the importance of their friendship, we see children relax emotionally, and become welcoming in their play: “We need more people on our airplane!” And it takes time. Recently we posted “Arc of Play,” and “arc of play” perfectly describes this process: today on the playground we see children begin by what we adults call “playing nicely.” After a bit, conflicts erupt, lines are drawn, toys are coveted. With a bit of facilitation, we do the necessary work through these rough patches so that we can come out the other side to smooth waters again, with a broader view of how to develop friendship. We heard this conversation during snack recently:

Asha Next time, today, you can’t play the pushing game, because only – do you know, only Sam is going to play the pushing game. (Asha and Sam have been enjoying playing a “pushing game” recently in which they push each other over and giggle.)

Caroline If you’re not sharing the pushing game, I’m going to play the pushing game with Kyla. Cause she’s my friend.

Asha Hey, do you see Sam right there, he’s my friend and he doesn’t want to play with me (you) anymore, cause he’s my friend.

Thomas What? Me?

Asha Not you. Sam is – he’s not going to be your friend or your friend or your friend.

Thomas Want to be my friend tomorrow?

Asha Yeah. We’re still being friends.

Caroline Do you want to be my friend tomorrow?

Asha (still talking about Sam) He’s not going to be your friend or your friend or your friend. No, never.

Thomas Okay, I’ll be another (person’s) friend. (turns to Ruthie) Want to be my friend?

Ruthie Um-hm. Yes.

Kyla I want to be your friend too.

Thomas Who wants to be my friend?

Asha (to Caroline) After, when we play the pushing game, you can be my friend.

This is normal conversation for a three-year-old. During this conversation none of the children appeared upset as they explored the topic in a matter of fact way. What Asha is expressing is what everyone wants to know about, and she is doing the class the favor of providing a platform for this discussion.

And here’s an example of their abundant empathy: The next day, a child was crying at the cubbies after his mother had left. Travers, Asha and Thomas heard crying from the clay table across the room and froze. Who’s crying?  they asked. Without prompting, they ran over to see who it was. Thomas hugged him, and Asha knelt down, put her hand on his knee and told him softly and reassuringly, Momma’s going to come soon… I know. Then they returned to the clay table and resumed their play.